No Actually, We Shouldn’t Let Them.
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It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me when a few weeks ago I learned not only what the Let Them Theory was but also its meteoric success. Sentiments of conflict avoidance couched in therapy language have been growing for a while now and it seems like another Oprah endorsed loon has come in to exploit those attitudes.
Created (allegedly) by podcaster and writer Mel Robbins, The Let Them Theory is about not “wasting [your] energy on trying to get other people to meet YOUR expectations,” as she wrote in a caption on her Instagram. “Just LET THEM show you who they truly are. And then YOU get to choose what you do next.”
She gives several examples of how letting them should be deployed: when your friends don’t invite you to brunch? If your crush doesn’t reciprocate your feelings? If your kids don’t want to attend an event with you? Let them. Let them. Let them.
According to Robbins “so much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations.” In an interview with The Today Show, Robbins says that her words have resonated widely because people feel like so much is not within their control. “Whether they’re feeling anxious, or they look at the headlines, or they’re worried about the economy, or their job and the message with the Let Them Theory is no matter what’s going on outside of you, the power is always inside of you,” she says.
This passive aggressive approach to life is bad enough for one’s personal life. Back in my day, when a person was unwilling to assert their boundaries or stand up for themselves, we called that being a doormat. Now, however, if you get a white woman who speaks in a slow enough cadence with millions of followers on social media, you can refer to it as “protecting your peace.”
But it’s another thing entirely when someone uses this repackaged detachment theory to address structural problems. It’s one thing to allow your teenage son to get away with insignificant, albeit silly mishaps on his prom day, but in fascist times how far are we supposed to let this hypothetical them go?
The popularity of Robbins’ words comes just as the Trump administration continues on its fascist rampage. I’ve seen many people – whether disciples of Robbins’ theory or not – extoll a similar blase attitude towards the world.
In a Los Angeles Times article written shortly after the election, the paper interviewed several Black women who expressed disinterest in continuing their organizing efforts in order “to prioritize themselves before giving so much to a country that over and over has shown its indifference to their concerns.” Even at the time of the article’s publishing, it felt ridiculous bordering on negligent to give credence to the idea that a certain sect of Black women would be able to not only circumvent the toll of the global right wing take over but thrive under the pretense that people would suffer without their help. Now, three months into Trump’s second presidency it feels downright vile.
These feelings have only begun to metastasize over the past few months with repeated calls from Black people online for other Black people to “stand down” as the current administration continues to undo DEI programs, public education, and labor protections. Even the recent campaign that has the support from Elon Musk for Derek Chauvin, the officer who killed George Floyd, to be pardoned, has elicited the response of many Black people as cool indifference. “If they wanna pardon Derek Chauvin, let them do it,” a Black woman on Tiktok in says. Her video garnered thousands of likes and views with the top comment saying: “they are desperate for our energy (power.)”
Where exactly did this spirit of cowardice masquerading as astucity come from? Despite her best efforts to lay claim to the idea of the Let Them Theory, not even Robbins can take full credit for this culture of aggressive apathy.
We have come to a point where any insistence on expecting others to care for our needs and vice versa as being both unrealistic and burdensome. A lot of people don’t see themselves as individuals worth fighting for, even in their private lives and have allowed that to influence how they view themselves within a larger context. Allowing things to just happen to you or others in your community in the face of unrelenting cruelty or even just small discomfort isn’t a sign of maturity as much as it is a sign of a person stripped of their ability to have full access to their humanity. Rage, anger, sadness, frustration, and disappointment are a part of what keeps us agile, along with rest and joy. An unwillingness to engage with those emotions only leads to a reality where one day you realize the only thing you’ve let them do is turn you into a feeble, rigid thing.
